The Endless Practice of Balance
Some of my recent discoveries regarding the practice of "balance."
Began writing 02/28/23 at 3:08pm ◦ Completed 03/07/23 at 6:17pm
What’s good y’all?
As we’re coming to the end of Black Futures/Ancestry Month, I am once again back with another edition of Hear Me Out, Aight? A few days late, but nonetheless, we thrive.
Since starting this newsletter back up in December, I’ve found much solace and ease in having a space to intentionally flow through some of the ideas and concepts I’ve been ruminating on. I’ve been able to have tangible evidence of where my mind has been, how I currently and have previously felt, what is occupying my time, where my mindspace roams.
It’s been a treat. I love documenting life. Whenever I can find a new way to document the life experience I jump at the opportunity.
Today is February 28th, the last day of the shortest month of the year which also happens to be Black Futures/Ancestry Month. Y’all already know what it is. I had to acknowledge it. If we erase the truth by not telling it we are doing a disservice to both ourselves and our people. By reminding myself of this often, I’m out here doing my best at beginning the journey of being a great elder/ancestor.
This month has been filled with so much love. So much ease, care, joy.
Every day this month I found myself sharing gratitude for the amount of love existing in my life currently. I remember feeling fearful at some points regarding love. It’s all too familiar: the feeling of not-enoughness, the fear of being or doing or saying too much. The concern of being misunderstood. It’s not like these things no longer exist; they are very much real and I am aware of ‘em. What has shifted is my response to discomfort and uncertainty.
I am no longer fearful or unsure of how to show up to moments where the details are not clear. I do not talk myself out of the questions and concerns that may pop in my mind if I explore that space. Rather, I embrace them head on. I do my best to confront these concerns with as much care and compassion as I can for myself and the moment.
As someone exposed early to fear-based thinking and negative expectations, though it may not have seemed apparent at the time, this programming left a lasting mark on my personhood. So much so that here I am, at age 25, actively decoding and redefining these programs as if they were recently shared.
I’ve learned to appreciate the journey in its entirety.
There’s a lyric in the chorus of “Outro: The Journey” from my debut EP Reflections
, where I sing in a chant-like flow “I know the journey has been filled with greatness.” When I wrote this initially, I understood what I was saying. But I didn’t understand what I was saying. Feel me?
The more life I live, the more I recognize how essential it is to live in the moment and fully embrace all that you’re experiencing. Especially in moments of uncertainty, especially in moments where fear tempts you with a rabbit hole of a (supposed) good time. It is essential for us to hold each moment for what it is while we can, because like the wind these moments are fleeting and fly by with ease.
Even…hell especially in moments where uncertainty and fear are right around the corner, it is essential to look at the big picture. That’s where the true lessons lie, where the real work begins.
I’m currently on my flight back to my hometown of Los Angeles to complete the recording and shift into the final steps of creative for my next music release. This is a long overdue homecoming. I haven’t been back home since December 2021.
Returning to finish off this newsletter. The date is March 7th, 2023 and the time is 1:11pm. I’ve been back home for 7 days, currently staying with a newfound community member not too far from USC. It’s been a mixture of fast-pace, nonstop movement and relaxing, easeful rest. Balance is the lesson and ritual of this chapter of my life, and probably every one after. I’m reconnecting with loved ones I haven’t seen in almost 2 years. Usually I return home at least once a year, but with the accident both my trip home and EP were put on hold. So it is refreshing to see familiar faces, run into folks who have witnessed many versions of myself and love them all the same.
Sunday we wrapped the first music video for my next EP, the title of which I have kept pretty close to myself minus a few loved ones. I feel so full.
Exhausted, but in a good way.
Creating with your loved ones hits different. I’m still uncovering what that is, but for now I can say I have gratitude and appreciation to experience the magic that is this.
It felt great to be surrounded by some of my loved ones while creating a body work that is so close to my heart. This next release is much more personal, more vulnerable and honest than prior works. It’s really exciting, and scary as you can imagine. Stories are being told that have never left my journals, visions renting space in my head are finally reaching this plane. My voice is getting stronger. My ego is quieting and my confidence is shining brighter. New level loading.
555 things that made my day
Janelle Monae recently released their new single Float. That one right there’s a hit, an audible embodiment of the way I have been navigating life these days. Confidently, trusting and knowing it will align as it is meant.
This beat my homegirl Elyse did on me for a special project coming soon.
For #3 - 5 on this list, I am included some of my favorite meals I’ve had since being back in Los Angeles. Wish I got a photo of the Korean fried chicken :(
Enchiladas and pupusas. Al pastor and carne asada tacos. Jollof rice with stew and plantains.
Otra Brief Personal Updates: I’m finally signed up for my first 4 physical therapy sessions!!! I am in the process of finding out how to continue therapy through the end of the year (minimum) in order to get my body fully functioning. I am wrapping up some exciting music projects while I’m in LA, and am calling in music + event production job opportunities that align with my skillset and pay requirements.
My apartment is nearly complete, I look forward to returning to NYC and finishing up the final few details of my home. Calling in it’ll be fully furnished and decorated by top of 2023’s Q3. I believe it is possible. If you want to help get items for my new crib, check out my Amazon Wishlist too!
Thanks for being here, talk to y’all soon.
With care, Ny